But when I was born, no one told me what i'm supposed to do or what's the purpose of life. Maybe I was told, and then forgot?
What if i'm doing the wrong thing? What if i'm not doing what I'm supposed to do?
Why are some things so hard? Why would the almighty "test" us? When I test my students, I give them at least a week notice and they know what they're supposed to do. They have the tools to study.
It's not fair. And what if nothing is fair? And there's nothing we can do about it?
Why is everything so mysterious?
We are so powerless. We will all die in the end. Everything is a mystery. Everything is ephemeral. We are a whole bunch of ignorants.
And tonight I miss my grandma so much. I know I couldn't see her even if she was still alive because I'm so far from home but the thought that i'll never see her again literally ripped my heart when it crossed my mind while teaching tonight. It makes me feel completely vulnerable and weak.
Her being alive gave sense to our memories because we shared them and we could recall them together. All those moments when no one was around and we talked, laughed, argued, everything.
But with her gone, it's just me who remembers and no other memories will ever be built with that person. And yet those memories feel so incomplete.
What I wouldn't give to just sit next to her, to see her smile brightening up her face, to listen to her babbling about the past, rambling on about her accomplishments.
It's just cruel.
